I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
