if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
