i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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