Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
