In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
