Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
