Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
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