How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
