So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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