If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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