My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
