where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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