You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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