So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
