theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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