Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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