I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
