I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's shark week go big or go home
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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