I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
