I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
