remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
