She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
