My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Randomize
