Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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