I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
