I want to walk on stilts...naked
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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