Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
