I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The best revenge is premature balding
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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