at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
