The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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