my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
