The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
