Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
