Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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