shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
