Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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