so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
