last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
