How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sext me about skeletons
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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