My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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