Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
