Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
