Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
