I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
