she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
