Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
