I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
