i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
