i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
