I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My pussy is not your playground.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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