i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
